You arrive at the Academy Bestiary and are awaited by a tall, fierce, muscled, red-haired man. His torn clothes and scar-filled arms and legs tell you that this man is not to be trifled with.
'Aye, laddie! M'name is Angus McGrog an' this 'ere beauty 's Mathilda. Say hello to the lad, girl!'
A huge brown bear in a cage swipes her paws at you and you jump back. That thing wants to tear you apart!
'Och, nay lad! Tha's nah how yeh do it! Yeh gotta show 'er who's boss!'
You start the day peeing yourself repeatedly, but at the end of the day you're confident enough to scare Mathilda back into her cage. Success!
You stand in front of a dusty wooden door in the old cellar of the Academy. Is this really the right place? You open the creaking door and enter a dark room that smells of fungus. You take a few steps into the room and try to adjust your eyes to the darkness.
You're not sure how it happened, but you suddenly find yourself pressed against the cold brick wall with your arms on your back and a knife to your throat...
'Welcome to Bounty Hunting 101, bitch.'
After a few hours of instructions by the famous rogue Mathias Shaw, you learn some valuable tricks of the trade. He nods at you, pleased with your progression.
'Now you can make a living out of killing.' [Continue]
You enter the Academy's Medical Research Facility. Oooh, you find a candy bar on the ground! As you bend over to pick it up, you get struck by a wooden cane. Ouch, your poor head...
'Hey! That's my lunch. Or did you intend to steal from a cripple? Charming.'
You look up and see the unshaved face of the most cynical man you've ever met: Doctor Gregory House.
'If there were a competition for making bad first impressions, you'd be a champion. Now, you're obviously that weirdo who subscribed to my Druggy course. Didn't think anyone'd be stupid enough to subscribe to that. Thanks, there goes my time to relax.'
You follow House around for a day as he tells you all there is to know about effectively and safely using drugs and narcotics. You endure a list of painful insults and a fair share of physical abuse in the form of, normally, getting hit by his wooden cane. Well, you can say what you like about House, but he knows his stuff! You're gonna be the best druggy ever!
You enter the Academy's firing range. You're supposed to meet your instructor at 10 AM, but no one seems to be there. Around 1 PM a black man comes strutting in.
'Heyyy, Tanya! You don't need target practice, girl! You always hit me juuuust right!'
The sexy brunette gives him a short look, then concentrates on firing at the moving cardboard targets.
'Yo. I'm Axel Foley and you must be [PlayerName]. Right, sorry I'm a bit late. I had to take care of some business. But you like like someone who understands, right? Yeahh, right!'
Foley gives you a pat on the back, a wink and a set of broad smiles. You're pretty sure this course is not gonna be worth the money...
You were wrong. Axel Foley turns out to be an extremely capable cop who teaches you a lot about proper use of firearms. To make things even better the sexy Tanya, who turns out to be a Special Agent of the 'Allied Forces', occasionally drops in to tell you what you're doing wrong. At the end of the day, you feel like you're a damn lot better at handling your gun than you were before! Fuck yeah!
You walk down to the lake near the Academy grounds. You notice a guy sitting still in a small wooden rowboat. He holds a Fishing Pole and doesn't seem to be doing much. You greet him.
'Oh, hello there. Reckon you're new here. Actually, I'm sure. I've been sitting here for a long time. I know everyone here. Grab that fishing rod over there and hop in! The name's Pagle by the way! Nat Pagle.'
You enter the boat and start fishing. Over the next few hours, you learn all there is to know about catching the rarest of fish. Nat doesn't seem like an amazing fisherman at first, but his insane loot collection begs to differ.
'...and so that's where you'll find the legendary sword of the Scarlet Highlord, Ashbringer. Ain't it amazin' what you run into in an ordinary day of fishin'?' [Continue]
You enter the Academy's military grounds, where the Grenadier course is given. You arrive at the designated location and nobody seems to be around. Time to pick your nose...
'TEN-HUT! In position, you slack-jawed pansy!' Oh god! The drill sergeant has arrived and he looks damn tough. You try to stand up straight and look forward.
'PRESENT, ARMS!' You quickly grab a grenade. 'Pull the pin aaaand... THROW!' You throw the grenade a good 20 spaces and look rather proud.
'What IS your major malfunction, numbnuts! You're proud of that throw? My grandmother could throw grenades further than you!' The drill sergeant takes a grenade and throws it all across the campus, through the window of the Academy Chess Club. 'Now THAT is a throw!'
After hours of painful and humiliating training you seem to have mastered the Grenadier course and the sergeant gives you a little nod. 'At ease, soldier!' [Continue]
You enter a building that looks somewhat like a... telescope? On second thoughts, it looks more like some kind of engineering workshop on the inside. The entire place is full of halfbaked gizmos and gadgets. On the wall you see a schematic for what seems to be a Homing Chicken.
'Hey, kid! You the one I'm waiting for? Yeah, I bet you are! Step right up, kid. Lesson's about to start!'
You follow a tiny, green man. He's best described as a Goblin. Actually, maybe he is a Goblin.
'The name's Gazlowe. Don't worry about the spelling. What matters is that you basically failed the course by even showing up here. You paid 2 Rupees for this? What a rip-off! I would never have gone over 1 Rupee! Jeez! As a Goblin, I always get the right price for my wares. And you, kiddo, need to start thinking like a Goblin!'
After a while you find out Gazlowe is a very likable Goblin. However, he's brutal when it comes to haggling. You learn never to settle for less than the perfect price. In fact, he teaches you so well, that you manage to get a 1 Rupee refund for your course.
'I like your spirit, kid! Go knock 'em dead!' [Continue]
You walk towards the Academy's archery range where the catapults are situated. An old man with a curly, grey moustache waits for you. He wears what seems like some kind of red admiral's uniform.
'I'm Baron Munchausen! And you are here to get a taste of adventure! Now, behold as I launch myself with this catapult!'
Before you can utter another word, he cuts the rope and flies off into the distance. You run for 10 minutes until you reach the crash site. There's a huge crater. Then you notice the baron is taking a nap against a nearby tree.
'But, but that's scientifically impossible!' You shout out. The baron laughs at you and says 'Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.'
After a few hours you master the amazing art of denying reality's whims and feel confident enough to face those dangerous catapult launches!
It would appear that this course is given outside on the academy grounds. When you arrive at the location, there's only one young Indian standing there.
'Pale-face also here for Pathfinding course? My name is Cannot Find Own Teepee. Instructor is not here. But there are footprints.' says the friendly young Indian.
Together you follow the footprints, broken twigs, moved rocks and other clues as to the instructor's whereabouts. After a long day you arrive back at the Academy and follow the tracks into a Teepee.
Inside you find an old Indian sitting on a rug, drinking Coffee.
'Ahhh, you pale-faces sure know how to make a good warm drink! You both passed the course by the way. Well done.'
Well, that was an interesting experience.
You walk across the Academy's archery range, looking for the the right building for your Shield Mastery course. Suddenly, a dark cloud of arrows fills the sky. You should probably have checked if the archery range was being used. Well yeah. Probably.
You close your eyes as arrows rain down upon you. A few moments and hundreds of 'KA-THUNK'-like sounds later you slowly open your eyes, only to find out you're standing in the shadow of the manliest man you've ever seen...
'Hahaha! Next time, you have my back, okay?'
You see a giant of a man with a huge, manly moustache and a gargantuan shield! He smiles broadly as he reaches out his equally impressive hand.
'You must be the new recruit. I can see you've got potential. A real adventurer! Today, I will teach you how to wield a shield properly! Come, let's turn you into a Shield Master!' [Continue]
Spare Time Efficiency
You walk into... oh my god you're already sitting behind a desk. How did that happen?! You then realise the course has already started...
'...and so there's no time to waste you could've earned Rupees in this time chop chop!'
A small man in a business suit rants on about ways to maximize profits by using all your spare time to the max. He doesn't even need to take a breath between sentences. In fact, you haven't heard him end the first sentence. Meanwhile he's doing stuff on his laptop and Blackberry with his left hand and opening letters with his right hand. Man, this guy is making money while he's making money!
After a few hours your ears are buzzing and your head is numb, but you've mastered the Spare Time Efficiency course! Time to make the most of those skipped turns!
You walk up to a stone gargoyle and take a crumbled piece of paper from your pocket.
'Acid Pops' you whisper and the gargoyle reveals a winding starway. At the top of the stairway you enter a door and find yourself in the Headmaster's Quarters. A tall man with twinkling, friendly eyes behind half-moon glasses smiles at you from behind his desk.
The following hours are best described as insightful and enjoyable. Dumbledore teaches you many techniques for bending harmful magic with the power of your mind. Times flies and you feel rather sad when you realise the course is already over.
Before you leave, Dumbledore hands you a small jellybean. You eat it on the way down...
Ewwwww, vomit! [Continue]
You follow the instructions you received and make your way into... the Academy Sewers? Man, you'd hoped for something cooler and less... disgusting. It's pretty damn dark down here too. God dammit.
Suddenly you slip and fall into the sewer water! You're immediately attacked by a pack of wild lobsters. You scream like a little girl and climb out of the water covered in angry lobsters! Luckily you're sprayed with lemon juice and the lobsters let go!
'Ahh, yes. You must be one of the surface dwellers from the Academy. My name is Sewer Urchin, hero of the sewers. Incidentally, exploring caves is much like exploring the sewers. You need to train your senses. Come, this is gonna be a long day!'
It's not what you expected, but Sewer Urchin turns out to be an ultimate sewer hero and you learn a lot about spelunking. And soap.
You find yourself in a room that's completely filled with all sorts of dangerous contraptions, many of them ticking and moving. Several gnomes are tinkering away and don't even notice your arrival. You trip over some sort of clockwork golem and fall on the ground. A small hand grabs your ear. Ouch.
'Ssshhhh, be quiet!' a big-eared gnome whispers into your right ear. 'I can't stand all this rattle! In my workroom you're going to learn to be silent while you work. Come on, come on, no time to waste!'
After many hours of tinkering in silence you have mastered the Tinkering Quietly course and receive your certificate. You want to thank Tinkmaster Overspark for his help, but he simply makes a shushing sound when you try.
You quickly enter classroom 27. You're late!
'You there!' says the professor, pointing at you. 'Who was the first president of Zimbabwe?'
You're silent for a moment. 'Err... a black guy?' you respond clumsily.
'Then you have much to learn! Sit down and be sure to make notes... LOTS of notes!'
In the following hours your head is pumped so full of trivia that you can barely remember your own name. Success!