Masturbation!

Masturbation! is an event that can be reached with the Wildcard: Flavor Events Neutral Effect from the [Masturbation!] option of Wildcard: Flavor Events. The Ceiling Cat version of this event can be reached from Creature Encounter! Masturbation! can also simply be a random event.

In the event, you either gain 1 permanent Speed or go back 4 spaces and have a chance to capture Ceiling Cat with your Pocket Ball. (The Ceiling Cat version of this event can't occur if Ceiling Cat is already in a Filled Pocket Ball.) (If you have Jinxed Jewel Of Impotence, the Masturbation! event is replaced by Can't Get No Satisfaction in which you lose 1 permanent Speed.)

Event Text

Upon encounter:

Masturbation!

You experience underbelly urges! You start spanking the monkey. It's only slightly disturbing./You start jerking off./You start riding the pillow./You start spilling milk./You start fapping./You start buttering the lobster./You start making pudding./You start punching the clown./You start taking part in population control./ You start extracting a core sample./You start flogging./You start applying the right-hand rule. If you gain 1 Speed: You feel focused and gain 1 speed. [Relief!] If Ceiling Cat sees you: But oh noes! Ceiling Cat watches you masturbate! You feel ashamed, pull your pants back up and walk back 4 spaces. [Shame!] Try to catch this creature:

Upon capturing Ceiling Cat:

Pocket Ball, GO!
You throw your Pocket Ball up at Ceiling Cat! It gets sucked in and the ball keeps wiggling. After a few second it lays still. [Success!]

Upon encounter with Jinxed Jewel Of Impotence:

Can't Get No Satisfaction
You experience underbelly urges! But... you cannot seem to satisfy them. Oh god, the horror! You lose 1 Speed. :( [Continue]